STE: Something Eggstra
by ZenosParadox
Summary: RS, Tu. Hoshi tries to engage Malcolm in an Easter adventure. If only he'd cooperate!


Title: Something Eggstra  
  
Author: ZenosParadox  
  
Category: Humor, Romance Rating: PG-13  
  
Summary: RS, Tu. Hoshi makes a special effort to get Malcolm's attention at Easter. Now if only he would cooperate! Disclaimer: The Enterprise characters belong to Paramount. This fiction was written solely for personal enjoyment.  
  
SOMETHING EGGSTRA  
  
Hoshi is very proud she's a linguist. She intends to create a special Easter adventure with a certain Armory Officer by offering him an opportunity to appreciate her talents.   
  
What can she put into her Easter eggs that will guarantee he'll wind up in her territory?  
  
Hoshi decides she'll send clues to a mystery by writing a message in an Earth language other than English. The she'll put the clues into a plastic Easter egg. Malcolm will then have to come to her to get them deciphered. She is so brilliant!  
  
What language should she use first? Of course! French, the language of l'amour!  
  
~~~~~  
  
NEVER SNEAK ONE PAST THE ARMORY OFFICER...  
  
Malcolm walks to his station on the bridge, but before he sits down, he notices a plastic egg on the chair colored a bright pink.  
  
He immediately grabs it, tosses it into the air, and shoots it with his phase pistol as he is in a gun-toting mood.  
  
The plastic and paper fall like confetti to the floor.  
  
Giving a satisfied grunt that the item was not an explosive, Malcolm takes his seat. He glances across the bridge and meets the eye of the lovely Linguist who is staring at him open-mouthed in disbelief.  
  
Malcolm looks around trying to figure out what produced this expression on the lovely Linguist.  
  
At her station, Hoshi lets her incredulity slide away and decides to try a different tactic. She has a new idea on setting up the Easter Egg hunt.  
  
~~~~~  
  
STRIKE WITHIN THE PERIMETER...  
  
Hoshi has decided to place the cute little plastic egg where Malcolm will not see it as a potential threat. She takes a yellow-orange egg, writes her instructions in Spanish, a very passionate language, and cleverly deposits it right in front of Malcolm's door. It should be obvious.  
  
Inside his quarters, Malcolm is still wondering about Hoshi's reaction this morning on the bridge. Perhaps he should go talk to her? No, he'll stay in his quarters. But he really ought to ask why she looked so dumbfounded? No, he'd muck it up by saying, "You really looked dumb this morning."  
  
Best he stay in his quarters...  
  
Hoshi is just leaving Malcolm's door when Captain Archer rounds the corner with Porthos as they're out for their evening stroll.  
  
"Hello! I'm just, uh, passing by," says Hoshi, wondering again why she's a linguist when words just don't come easily.  
  
"Hoshi, I've been meaning to ask you about something," begins Archer. In the meantime, Porthos begins sniffing the air as he goes to Malcolm's door.   
  
Hearing voices outside of his door and recognizing Hoshi and the Captain, the Armory Officer takes this as a sign that he should talk to Hoshi.  
  
Malcolm quickly opens his door, steps out, and immediately kicks the yellow-orange egg neatly out from under Porthos' nose.  
  
Hoshi watches in horror as the plastic egg begins to bounce off the walls of the corridor while Porthos gives chase with a very merry, "Roo, roo, roo, roo, roof!"  
  
The three officers manage to corral the beagle who finally captures the egg in his mouth. Before Hoshi can retrieve it, Porthos snaps it open and begins chewing the paper and plastic to bits, shaking his head to ensure the critter has a broken neck--or whatever.  
  
Porthos looks at his Papa, eagerly wagging his tail. Surely this is worth some cheese! The canine even looks expectantly at Malcolm, certain that he will gain praise for being a valued member of ship's security.  
  
"Come on, Porthos, let's get you back home," says Archer as he recognizes the remnants of what should have been a plastic Easter egg.   
  
In the meantime Hoshi recovers a single shred of her note, completely soaked with dog drool. The word "corazon" now looks like, well, it's a Spanish word not repeated in polite company.  
  
Malcolm looms over her shoulder as he says, "Porthos is a good guard dog. That's the second time someone's booby-trapped my area."  
  
Hoshi looks up at the clueless Armory Officer and sighs. He better be worth all this trouble. She now resorts to plan C.  
  
~~~~~  
  
IT'S ALL IN THE WRIST...  
  
Okay, since Malcolm seems to be on constant tactical alert, Hoshi decides she'll put her next egg in a public, non-strategic area: the mess hall. What place could be safer?  
  
Rather than a plastic egg, Hoshi gets real eggshell that she has carefully prepared. She puts her message inside, written in German this time, and carefully re-seals the egg. And instead of a bright color, she decides to paint the egg a sedate, non-threatening black. She accomplishes this by using a marking pen and writing Malcolm all over the shell until it's completely covered. Perfect.  
  
Hoshi knows Malcolm's usual seat in the mess hall, so she strategically sets the egg on the table, then sits down at a nearby to wait. She knows this time Malcolm will come to her for help in solving the linguistic puzzle.   
  
She smiles when the Armory Officer walks in with the Chief Engineer. Surely Trip will help her get Malcolm!  
  
-----   
  
"Ya gotta lay off all that paranoid thinking, Malcolm. No one's been leaving booby traps for ya!" Trip slaps Malcolm's back in reassurance, then throws up his tray when he sees a large, black bug on the table where they normally sit.  
  
"Git it! It's a BUG!" yells the Chief Engineer, never one to cozy up to beetles.  
  
Trip bumps into Malcolm, sending the food on his tray flying all over the place. Malcolm acts immediately to protect his distressed crewmate and slams down his tray on the large black beetle on the table.  
  
WHACK!  
  
Hoshi can only look on in utter amazement.  
  
Malcolm glances over at Hoshi and reassures her, "Don't worry, Ensign, it's completely obliterated."  
  
Hoshi runs out of the mess hall. Malcolm turns to Trip and asks, "What's her problem?"  
  
"Just squeamish, I guess. You know how women are."  
  
~~~~~  
  
DON'T LET THE IDEA RUN AWAY FROM YOU...  
  
Hoshi is calm, collected and in control. She's a Starfleet officer, dammit! The eggs will COOPERATE! Malcolm will come to HER!  
  
So, she dresses in her gym clothes making sure to wear the sweats that cover her fully, but wrap around her legs and derriere nicely as she moves. Furthermore, they maintain her belly button in full view. Sports bra is lifting all the right places, arms are in good form--who needs an Easter egg?  
  
Still, she takes the latest treasure she has prepared. This one is stainless steel. It was an empty container she found in Engineering after telling Trip he should see Phlox about his bug phobia and quit ruining her life.   
  
Hoshi writes a note in Japanese this time, but decided to eliminate the greeting of "BAKA!"  
  
No, she does not want Malcolm to think she thinks he's clueless, no matter how clueless he is. Realizing that made no sense, Hoshi takes the egg and inserts her note with the words "koishii" and "ashiteru."   
  
Hoshi goes to the gym where she knows Malcolm and Travis will be working out. Surely the helmsman will help out his friend?   
  
~~~~~  
  
"You need to talk to her, Malcolm," says Travis as he adjusts the settings on the treadmill. Both men get on their treadmills and begin to jog.  
  
"No, I don't think Hoshi even likes me anymore. She's always upset when I'm around. No, I just need to pay more attention to finding out who's been after me lately. I think the giant beetle we found in the mess hall had my name written all over it."  
  
"You're getting too paranoid, Malcolm. Hey, here she is. Now just talk to the woman."   
  
Travis winks at his clueless friend and again wonders how the man could be so good at tactics when he's oblivious to the most beautiful woman on the ship.  
  
-----  
  
Hoshi walks in completely covered by sweat pants and jacket, much to Malcolm's disappointment. Then the blood drains from his brain as Hoshi immediately unzips and removes her jacket to reveal well-toned arms, a tempting belly complete with taunting belly button, and sweats that seem to like the fit of her lower body.  
  
Hoshi smiles at her two friends and swings her jacket over her shoulder. She intends to simply GIVE the egg to Malcolm.  
  
The Egg has other plans, however. Instead of staying in its nest in her jacket pocket, the garment acts as a slingshot, and sends the Egg on a trajectory straight for the Armory Officer.  
  
Malcolm looks at the projectile speeding toward him, but his brain lacks sufficient blood supply to even generate the thought of, "DUCK!"  
  
The Egg hits the side of Malcolm's head and bounces onto the treadmill, landing with great precision alongside the Armory Officer. The Egg slides along by the man's head as both are carried away from the control stand and land on the floor with a thud.  
  
Travis in the meantime switches off the controls on Malcolm's treadmill. Hoshi rushes to Malcolm who is blinking his eyes trying to remember why Hoshi should be leaning over him. He sits up and feels something hard and cold in his hand, but is distracted when Hoshi leans over closer to him.  
  
"Malcolm! Oh, it's all my fault. Are you all right? Let me help you to sickbay," coos Hoshi as she puts her arm around Malcolm.  
  
"I'm fine, Hoshi," says Malcolm. and puts the object he's holding into the pocket of his shorts. Then he notices how close her mouth is to his.  
  
But before he can act foolishly, they all hear, "All bridge officers to your stations. We have an emergency."  
  
~~~~~  
  
DAMN THE TORPEDOES AND--WELL, JUST DAMN IT!  
  
Hoshi has been busy dealing with the present situation. As the crisis abates, she walks back to her quarters, determined to just give Malcolm a simple Easter Basket full of colorful Easter Eggs, all carrying the same message: I LOVE YOU. In English! He can read English, can't he?   
  
Hoshi uses a dye that Dr. Phlox gave her, an extract from Xybinian worms that works very well with eggshells.  
  
Knowing that Malcolm is still cleaning up in the Armory after their latest crisis, she carries the basket down to him.  
  
-----  
  
Malcolm is now in his uniform, but kept the stainless steel egg he found in his pocket. It looks like a mystery and he intends to solve it, but he's had no time until now.  
  
He pulls the metal egg out of his pocket and decides to use a phase pistol to cut it open. With great precision, he cuts around the circumference of the egg. A wisp of smoke escapes that smells like paper burning. Odd. He inspects the two pieces and notices the ash left from the burning paper just as Hoshi enters.  
  
Hoshi recognizes the stainless steel egg and gets upset. What has it done to Malcolm this time? She set her basket in an alcove, not realizing at the moment that it's a torpedo tube.  
  
Malcolm looks up at Hoshi and asks, "Is there something I can do for you, Ensign?"  
  
"It's the egg, Lieutenant. You need to know that--"  
  
"Lieutenant Reed, Captain Archer wants you to test fire the torpedo immediately. We are within range of the asteroid." T'Pol's voice comes over the intercom.  
  
"I better see to this. Stay right here," says Malcolm seriously. He knows he needs to talk to Hoshi.  
  
"Malcolm, wait!" Hoshi realizes he just loaded the torpedo tube with the Easter basket at the end.  
  
"Just a moment, Hoshi," says Malcolm a bit distractedly. He calls up to the bridge, "Firing torpedo now!"  
  
Hoshi rushes to the screen of Malcolm's control console and sees the same image that's projected on the viewscreen of the bridge.  
  
-----   
  
The torpedo fires, but at the perimeter of the explosion are smaller sparkles that illuminate the space. Nice, Easter egg colored sparkles.  
  
It seems that the extract from the worms becomes explosive when the chemical contacts the egg shell.  
  
-----  
  
In the Armory, Malcolm can't figure out why Hoshi looks so upset.  
  
Then she runs out of the Armory without a word. What has he done now?   
  
~~~~~  
  
ULTIMATE AMBUSH...  
  
Hoshi sits calmly at the table in the mess hall sipping her tea.  
  
Her resolve is set, her plan is foolproof. She has considered her best tactical maneuvers, and makes sure that her weapons are loaded and ready to launch. Each egg carries but one word, "M-A-L-C-O-L-M."   
  
There will be NO mercy. An evil grin lights up her face.  
  
Her foot begins to tap impatiently as her wait becomes extended. Any moment now--AHA!  
  
-----  
  
"I don't know what I've done to upset her this time, Trip. Honestly, all Hoshi has to do is look at me and get upset. She literally ran away from me in the Armory last time."   
  
Malcolm turns to his friend as he is struck by the first projectile square in the chest.  
  
Hoshi is impressed. Her first volley had obviously met with a very firm chest. DAMN HIM!  
  
"Uh, Malcolm, that's a boiled egg," says Trip as he pokes at the yolk and albumin sliding merrily toward the floor.  
  
"Hit the deck!" calls out the Armory Officer as he registers another egg heading their way.   
  
Trip and Malcolm hit the floor. Malcolm looks up and over his shoulder admiring the splat that appeared on the wall. Nice aim! That would've put egg on his face. He turns to identify the culprit and gulps in shock.  
  
"Hoshi! Malcolm, what the hell did ya do to the woman?" asks Trip, nudging his comrade roughly by jerking his shoulder.  
  
At that moment the men duck again as an egg quickly explodes into white muck just in front of Malcolm's face.  
  
"Take cover!" directs the hapless Armory officer.   
  
The two men do a nice serpentine wriggle that is appreciated by all the women in the mess hall--including Hoshi--as they make their way to a table and turn it over for cover.  
  
"Commander, you try to talk her down. I'm going to circle around and grab the Ensign from behind. I'll stay under table height. Let Hoshi think she has us pinned down here. Ready?"  
  
Trip doesn't know whether to nod solemnly or break out laughing at Malcolm's serious tone. He bites his tongue and says, "Good luck, good buddy."  
  
Three more eggs splat onto the table as Trip yells out, "I think ya got him, Hoshi. Oh, man, some of the eggshells have fallen into Malcolm's eye. Oh, it's so HORRIBLE. It's gushy and gooey and I can't tell the difference between his eyeball and egg white. Oh, my Lord!"  
  
Malcolm shakes his head in utter disgust as he makes his way to Hoshi. Really, Trip can be such a drama queen!  
  
He achieves his target, the beautiful Asian linguist who haunts his dreams and has captured his heart. Well, this was just too much to endure.  
  
Malcolm pounces and takes down his opponent. Hoshi looks up in surprise to find Malcolm straddling her and gripping her hand which holds yet another egg.   
  
He leans over to say, "Hoshi what's gotten into you?"  
  
Hoshi drops the egg on the floor with a splat. Time for a frontal assault. She grabs Malcolm's head and kisses him thoroughly.  
  
When Malcolm comes up for breath, he asks, "Could you repeat that?"  
  
Understanding Malcolm can be quite clueless, Hoshi obliges. Having made her position clear with a nice body hug, Malcolm says, "I thought that's what you said."  
  
Malcolm then kisses Hoshi, who gracefully accepts his unconditional surrender  
  
-----   
  
Trip notices no eggs going splat and quiet--well, sort of quiet. He peaks over at the officers.  
  
And makes the important command decision of, "Folks, we better empty out the mess hall while Lieutenant Reed gets things under control. We'll let you know when you can get back in."  
  
Trip takes another look at the couple.   
  
Trip walks out trailing the others, whistling, and figures after a few minutes he'll just douse them with water. An engineer's work is never done!  
  
*****  
  
Author Notes:   
  
Posted as a series of drabbles at R/S forum at LD during Lent. Written around April, 2003, 7 p. I know it's not the season for it, but I hope you get a laugh from it anyway.  
  
No reviews are necessary. Thanks for reading. 


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